An e-mail commenting on e-mail... how meta. And funny.

Dear All,

My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year...

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my ass.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.

By the way...a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Creepy vs. Dorky: What's Worse?

The Romneys

The Huckabees

Did you know that mice can't burp?

I know, I know... it's been awhile since I've blogged real words and not just linked to other people's funny stuff. I don't know about you fools, but I have been a very busy bee these days. It's a bit much and I wouldn't mind being a little less popular. JK. kinda.

What's new with me? Let's see, work is busy and a bummer (my coworker/friend/style muse is moving away), still settling into the new apartment. Right now, all of my minutes are spent finishing up the creative nonfiction classics class I've been taking this term. 10 books in 14 weeks.

It's been excellent but also one of the, if not the, most challenging class I've taken yet in my program. And the fun part, yah you this one... I don't even need it. I graduated already, remember? I know, I'm either an overachiever or an idiot - you decide.

In Cold Blood might just be one of the best books - ever, by the way. We've also read some other amazing nonfiction that I am very pleased to have read, namely: Desert Solitaire, Zami: A New Spelling of My Name, and Hiroshima. In Cold Blood is off the charts though- in lots of ways.


Things all over the place seem pretty fucked up right now... church shootings, mall shootings, southern baptist preachers as sudden right wing front runners (wtf?), white house authorized torture and missing interrogation video (of course), a magical talk show host who can supposedly single-handily change history (wow). Oh, and the fucking Spice Girls are back (zigazahahhh).

Another great WTF? moment from last week:

"Freedom requires religion just as religion requires freedom. Freedom opens the windows of the soul so that man can discover his most profound beliefs and commune with God. Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone.” -Mitt Romney



Really? Freedom and religion endure together, or perish alone? He either has LOST writers on his staff or he thinks all Americans are stupid as his hair looks.


My new favorite news story and priceless fodder for happy hour conversation:

German men are the world's worst lovers, a poll of 10,000 women travellers claims. They are branded selfish in bed while second-placed Swedes are too quick. Third are the "too rough" Dutch, followed by "too dominant" Americans, "sloppy" Welshmen and "too loud" Scots.
Englishmen were voted 10th worst and accused of being too chubby. Turks were marked down as sweaty, Greeks smelly and Russians hairy.

Italian men were voted best lovers followed by males from France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, Spain, Denmark, New Zealand, Brazil and Canada. (london mirror)


What a fun little survey. I would say I have one disagreement (which most of you can probably guess; I kiss and tell) and three questions: 1) How loud do you have to be to be voted 6th worst lovers in the WORLD? Wow. 2) Where the Asians at? 3.) Canadians? Really?

Ciao, buddies.
-Nina